Second Thoughts?

By

Kevin Helmold

He sat up in bed watching his young bride brush out her hair in front of the mirror, an eager grin on his face.  The knee length satin nightgown she wore only allowed hints of the slight frame it concealed.  Occasionally the early June breeze found its way into the room and pushed the nightgown tight against the left side of her body.  This subtle change gave Frankie a more satisfying view, and caused his smile to widen.

He knew that as soon as she finished with her hair she would come to him.  He wondered if she prolonged the brushing ritual in an effort to tease him, perhaps to build a level of anticipation.  They had been making love two or three times a day, every day since they were married.

Her eyes caught his in the mirror and she smiled.  “Can you believe we’ve already been married for two weeks?  I really don’t want to go back to work tomorrow.  I wish we could just stay like this forever.”

Frankie’s reply was automatic.  “Me too, Hon.” But her comments set his mind to thinking.

The lovemaking part of marriage was great, but he felt it had already started to lose some of its newness, some of its initial passion.  He began to think about how their parents implored them not to get married so young.  They said wait until you get your degrees, and have good jobs, and save a little money.  What’s the hurry?  You’re both so young, the odds are against you.

Frankie knew his parent’s protests had nothing to do with their feelings about Jan.  They liked her.  His mother always said how pleased she was that he found a good Catholic girl and that no one could ever get him to go to Mass until Jan wanted him to go.

Frankie nodded his head acknowledging to himself that one of the reasons he had been so determined to get married was that Jan was such a good Catholic girl.  He guessed the fact that his mother was so dead set against the idea also helped to push him along.  Hell, she even tried to talk him out of it on the night before the wedding.

“Now, Frankie, if you’re not sure, it’s still not too late to postpone all this.  I’m not saying you have to back out, just postpone it for a couple of years.  That is, if you’re not sure.”

If he did have any doubts, his mother’s words forced them out of his head.  He’d be returning to his job at the cup factory tomorrow.  He hated that job.  Maybe he would go back to school in the fall.

He still watched Jan, but the grin left his face.  Is it possible their parents could have been right?  His stomach turned hollow and heavy at the same time.  It rolled over and began to rise to his throat.

“I just love this little apartment, Frankie, it’s so cozy.  I’ll be home before you tomorrow and I’m going to make you something real nice for dinner, something you can look forward to all day.  Tell me you’ll look forward to my cooking, Honey.”

“I will, Hon. You’re a great cook.”

Frankie felt sweat roll down the side of his face.  He wiped it away with the back of his hand.  His stomach twisted into a knot and it had nothing to do with the thought of Jan’s cooking.  He got out of bed just as she set her brush on the dresser.

“I’ll be right back, I don’t feel so good.”

“What’s wrong, Honey?  You looked all right a second ago.”

Frankie pressed his fist into the pit of his stomach.

“It’s nothing, Jan; I’ll be fine in a minute.”

He went to the bathroom and let the water run until it was as cold as it was going to get.  He splashed his face again and again then reached for one of their new bath towels.  It still smelled like the cardboard box it came in.  He pressed his face into the towel.  It took a minute or so but eventually the pressure in his gut eased up some.

Frankie stared at himself in the mirror, and watched the blood drain from his face as he stared at the boy looking back at him.  A boy who had to leave for a shitty job before daybreak, a boy who didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life and now had a wife that he didn’t know what to do with, either.  He turned away from his reflection but the reality of what he saw stayed with him.  He splashed his face once more and tried to take a deep breath.

He returned to the bedroom and found Jan already under the covers.

 “Feeling better, Hon?” she asked.  “You look kind’a pale.”

He got in next to her and stretched out.  “I’m all right, just a little tired.”

She turned toward him and stroked his arm with the tips of her fingernails.

He brushed away her hand.  “Don’t, Jan, that tickles.”

“I thought you liked it when I tickled you.”

“I know, but I’m tired tonight.”  He knit his eyebrows.  “Did I tell you my mother was still trying to talk me out of getting married on the night before the wedding?”

Jan rolled onto her back.  “I’m not surprised, but who cares?  We knew what we wanted and now we’re happy.  We can be together forever and no one can come between us anymore.”

She faced him again.  He gazed at the ceiling, still pale, his brow still knitted.

“What is it?  You are happy, aren’t you?  You wanted this too, didn’t you?”

He sensed a touch of doubt in her voice.  “Of course I’m happy.  I just don’t like that damn job at the factory.  I think I might go back to school at night or something.”

He turned away from her and pushed the side of his face into his pillow.

“Frankie, why did you wait until now to tell me about your mother?”  The doubt remained in her voice.  “Why bring it up at all?  I already know the way our parents feel.  It’s just going to take them a little time to come around.”

“I know.  You’re right, just forget I said anything.”

She reached over and stroked his arm again.

“C’mon, Jan.” he snapped.  “I said that tickles.”

She yanked her hand back.

“What’s wrong, Frank?  Did you suddenly change your mind?  Do you think we’re too young now, too?  Do you think all this was a mistake too?

The doubt started to sound a lot like anger.

“Stop it, Jan; I don’t think we made a mistake.  This is what I wanted.  I just have to adjust, that’s all.”

She sat up and folded her arms across her chest.

“I know what you wanted.  Are you tired of it already?  There’s more to marriage than that you know.  My God, we are too young.  My parents were right.”

Frankie turned to her and watched her face contort in panic; her soft pretty features suddenly took on the weight of the world.  The sight caused his brow to relax.  This is not what he wanted for her.  A wave of sympathy and affection washed over him and he knew again all the reasons he wanted her and wanted to spend his life with her.  The blood ran back to his face and he felt warm once again.

He reached for his wife and she allowed him to ease her back under the covers.  He pulled her close, but she kept her arms folded in front of her.  He kissed her forehead, the tip of her nose, her lips.  She opened her arms and wrapped them around him.

“Our parents were wrong, Jan.  Don’t be mad.  I just need to adjust a little.  It’ll be okay.  I’m happy, really.”

She rolled on top of him and Frankie could no longer remember what it was that caused him to doubt.